I AM still here

When I first learned about Eating Disorders, I knew that I could never have one. 

How could anyone think like that? How could anyone do those things?

I didn’t know then that anyone could develop an ED. That they don’t discriminate. That it could, and would, happen to me.

By 14-years old, I thought I knew all there was to know about EDs. It had been covered in health class, had it not? Surely there was nothing more to it. 

Then I read an auto-biography written by a woman who had been diagnosed with Anorexia as a young girl. And something clicked for me. I thought, “I could do that,” and I remember thinking that it would make me feel better. I didn’t know how it would make me feel better, or why I even needed to feel better in the first place. There was nothing wrong with my life; I had everything I needed, and nothing to complain about.

Shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Anorexia.

I’ve been in various levels of treatment for years since then. At the same time, I excelled. I graduated high school and college, and then went on to get my MA in Forensic Psychology. I got my first “real” job shortly after graduation. I worked so hard to be perfect and hide anything about myself that I deemed to be “bad” (and therefore unacceptable) - as I had all my life. Eventually my doctor told me that if I did not go to residential treatment, he could no longer see me as a patient. That was the first of multiple residential, PHP, and IOP treatment episodes.

Here’s where I’m stuck. I want to have the perfect recovery story. I want to be able to tell you that I hate my ED, love my body, and am now happily in full recovery. But I would be lying. I miss my ED and I am struggling to navigate this new life.

 What I do know is that recovery is possible. While I am still searching for it in my own life, I’ve seen it happen for many people. I know that everyone’s experiences, both positive and negative, are valid - even when the ED is saying otherwise, and fighting for its life. I know that everyone struggling with an ED deserves treatment from competent professionals that respect every part of their identity. I know that sometimes it takes a really long time to get to a point of feeling even close to okay.

I also know that it’s REALLY hard, and I also know that you’re worth it.

My life is completely different now. Something I never imagined it would be.

I am not the successful working mom that I thought I would be at this age. In fact, I’m not working at all, which is a complete 180 from where I was. I look very different, and I struggle with my identity outside of my ED. I don’t recognize myself when I look in the mirror, and it is an effort to get dressed and engage with other people.

I’m still not sure where I am in my life, or what the future holds for me, but I AM still here.